Blogger won't let me add a title.... hmmm
One Week Later:
This has been the hardest week of my life to date - I'm sure of it. I suspected that this would happen, but really wished that it wouldn't.
It's hard to write publicly when I'm not feeling chipper. Who wants to read depressing blogs? I know I don't like to! And I know a lot of you like to read because I am usually so upbeat and cheerful. I'm sorry to let you down today - but I'm no faker and instead of keeping silent I need to write so that all you PRAYING PEOPLE will pray...
First of all - please pray that my face will heal. The radiation took quite a toll on it and now it's very slow to heal. I feel really yucky walking around with crusty blood on my face. I also feel like a bit of a freak show will all the swelling. It's hard to enjoy OUTSIDE when I don't really want to leave the house. On a some-what positive side - this has been a real eye-opener for me. I keep trying to trust the Lord that he will use this to show me where I can find my true confidence.
Secondly, please pray for my MIND. I have been so depressed the last week - unlike what I have ever experienced before. I have so much to be joyful for - but reminding myself doesn't seem to work. I get discouraged by everything and find it hard to be encouraged. All the things I felt I had to look forward to are proving to be more of a challenge than I would like to take on. I feel I am morning the loss of 5 months (so far), the loss of my face, the loss of energy, the loss of confidence. I feel like I'm morning a loss of love between Joe and I since all this stress seems to be much deeper than our love has ever been.
Which brings me to my second prayer request - please pray for Joe and I. My darkest thoughts revolve around how discouraged I am with our marriage. Maybe it's not entirely our fault - after all it's been one CRAZY ride since the beginning. Buried under everything that has happened since Ruth was conceived there is a boy and a girl who both long to be in a marriage that reflects the beauty of Jesus Christ. Our discussions on how to climb back only act as reminders of all the things that need to be fixed - without any ideas of solutions.
During these past 5 months I have experienced a closeness to my God that I longed for so much. My biggest fear is being away from that closeness again. I know what causes the distance - and every day I am faced with things in my "normal" life that need to be laid aside in order to make more room for Jesus in my life. It's inspiring - and it's overwhelming. I look around my house and see how I have made idols in my life. There is a battle in my heart - the "False Bethany" against the "True Bethany". The more light that shines in the more sin is revealed. I am overwhelmed by how much needs to be cleaned out. Sin is gripping - it does not want to let go of me. But, Lord Jesus, does my heart EVER want to be set free...
I'm currently (slowly) going through my home and putting things aside for a much needed garage sale.
I need to go through my mind and also put things aside - I need to give them to Jesus.
1. My marriage. Lord Jesus I need to trust you that you will make it something I can be proud of.
2. My husband. Lord Jesus I need to trust him and respect him.
3. My house. Lord Jesus I need to give up my desire for it to be perfect by my high standards.
4. My face. Lord Jesus that I may trust you with my healing. Lord Jesus that I may find my confidence in you.
5. Our Money. Lord Jesus I feel convicted over my attitude about money. This is a deep set sin - Lord Jesus please break it away. First help me to obey, secondly help me to trust that you will take care of our needs.
Lord Jesus I DO trust you...
Lord Jesus may your TRUTH be the thing that is overwhelming my heart - not sin and fear.
__________________________________
To all my friends - you are such a blessing. I know that you love me for who I am, regardless of how dark I may feel. Please pray for me and encourage me with some nice comments...
hugs
b
13 comments:
Bethany, for someone so young, you have already been through so much. It has made you wise beyond your years, which must seem, at times, both a blessing and a curse. I know what you mean about the more Jesus' light shines in on you, the more your sin is revealed....I have been humbled by this so many times, have been brought to tears by it. Some people think being a Christian is easy, but sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world. The closer you walk with Him, the more you see of your true self....it can be overwhelming. In the light, everything is exposed, like a raw wound. In the dark, you can hide, you can hide from and with your sin.
Do you wanna know what's great about Jesus' light, though?....it can be warm and comforting, it helps you to grow, it reminds you that you are loved and being looked after by someone and something far greater than you could ever imagine.
We love you so much, Beth, and will continue to pray for you and Joe and Ruth.
Bethany, (oops deleted the first one by mistake! sorry)
You are an amazing woman and a true blessing. Although we have never met, I can say with such true conviction you are such a light! From the first time I read your blog I could feel the warmth of Jesus' shining through you. He has given you an incredible gift amongst all the suffering. Even in a post that is full of sadness and sorrow the faithful servant in you shows through. You, my dear are a wonderful witness!
When Jesus' calls us to follow he doesn't fill us with empty promise. He offers us the gift of salvation, hooray! With that gift comes the reassurance that we are NEVER alone. No matter how deep we get, or how dark (or light) things may seem he's our constant companion. As you cling to Him he allows us to see the areas in life where sin hides. Unfortunately we are all born with a sin nature and try as we might it will be there yesterday, today and tomorrow. But He hands us the light to see our way out - and you took it! Your faithful relationship with God will always be your life preserver. Praise God for that! You can cling to His strength and tackle the short comings together. And know that He is loving, caring, compassionate and understanding. No matter how "bad" we might feel, he's never angry and always ready to forgive.
I will pray for you Bethany. We too are true believers in praying specific and that's what I will do. I will pray that God gives you the strength of Job, there was none greater. I will pray that you are encouraged not discouraged. And most importantly I will pray that Satan leave you and your family alone. My Mom always said that God isn't the author of guilt, pain, depression or dispair. She said that He is the healer, the lover and the protecter. So I will pray for you that God protect your marriage from harm, that He will show you love for yourself, that he will heal your body and your soul and that most of all He will show you what a strong woman you are!
Rest in Him Bethany, let him fight your battles! He is a wonderful warrior.
Prayers and encouragement from a friend from afar,
~Ashley~
Dear Bethany,
I am so sorry you are feeling the way you are, so much you are thinking of.
Would you just be able to cuddle and relax even when things don't look right? Try to.
You are allowed to have all those feelings but don't beat yourself up, YOU are important, if people stare Bethany, well you don't know them and right before stands God, I can't imagine what you are going through though
Remember the email I sent you regarding the couple I know and what they faced? maybe that can make you feel better, a bit even.
Do you think you can relax enough to draw? get all of that energy out?
Do you think that you are asking too much of yourself? The healing will take some time and it is not your fault it happened, so why be so hard, take rest Bethany, I know it is easy for me to say, I'm not where you are at.
I will continue to pray and ask others to as well.
God bless,
Aunt Marie
Sweet Bethany, I can so relate to everything you have listed (although it wasnt on my face, the radiation has done a number on my head and hair). I cant really give you any wise words of wisdom, because I am exactly where you are. I will pray for the things on your list daily...
isn't it awesome how God brought us together? I was amazed when reading this entry how you and I are so very much alike.
-H
Bethany, as a cancer survivor, I can tell you that depression is a common (often unmentioned by the health care providers) side effect of cancer treatment. If you have not already done so, please mention this to your oncology nurse. There is medication that will alleviate your depression.
Also, many people find the stress of cancer treatment causes strains in their marriage. If there is a medical social worker or oncology counselor in your health center, please mention this to them. They have seen this before and can be a big help and point you in directions that may not occur to your medically-befuddled brain.
As my pastor told me when I was undergoing my cancer treatment, feeling depressed and having strains in your marriage do not reflect on your lack of faith in the Lord. They are the result of the life upheaval that is caused by cancer.
Please avail yourself of all the help that God has given us, both medical and spiritual.
Take care,
Dear Bethany,
My husband and I have been praying for you daily. We are members of CFBC and I am one of the deaconesses who you haven't met yet. I just wanted to let you know how much you have touched my heart with your witness for our Lord Jesus during your recent medical situation and for the fact that you are SO HONEST about your feelings. Your latest posting prompted me to write and encourage you because as a Christian, I, also suffered depression. I had no idea why I was depressed and thought I was letting God down because I didn't have the "joy of the Lord". I felt guilty and kept saying to myself, "How can I be a Christian and still be depressed? The health professionals finally diagnosed me as having bi-polar disorder.
I came across a small medical pamphlet which I had saved and would like to quote from it since, I am sure that you haven't been able to see a doctor about your depression, yet.
"Depression is a disease, a very PERSONAL disease. The mental anguish of depression can be quite unimaginable to someone who has not experienced it...Doctors now know that depression is a debilitating illness with a PHYSICAL CAUSE, like diabetes, heart disease or arthritis. Most medical researchers now believe that depression is caused by a CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN THE BRAIN. These chemicals, called neurtotransmiters, carry signals from one nerve ending to another, like ferry boats transporting cars from one dock to another. The docks are called "receptors" and the two principal neurotransmitters and their receptors implicated implicated in depression are know as norepinephrine and serotonin...By restoring chemical balance, and with "a strong arm to learn on", there is every reason for a depressed person to become well again."
Medication to restore the chemical imbalance and family support(home and church) and, of course, the power of The Great Physician brought me out of the deep pit(see Psalm 40: 1-3 and Psalm 103:1-5).
My prayer for you, Bethany, is that God will turn this TRIAL into another TESTIMONY of HIS amazing faithfulness to you.
God cares about you and so do I. Looking forward to hugging you in person!
With Christ's love,
Linda
WHOOAA GIRL! SLOW DOWN!!!
I read your blogs all the time and rarely leave a comment, as you always seem so grounded, but I'm going to have to jump in with both feet this time!:)
Pat is right about depression being a common side effect of cancer or any other major illness for that matter. It's no wonder you've never had a depression like this before, you've never been through this before!
So here goes:
1. Your face WILL HEAL in God's good time. You and Joe could look for some private places to go for a walk if your uncomfortable with being in public.Take a Sunday drive up the logging road at comox lake. Being in God glorious creation is always uplifting!
2. You love Joe, Joe loves you, and you both love the Lord,...your marriage will survive this if you let it.
3. Depression can be an insideous thing, so don't feed it by dwelling on things that you are anxious about. You'll not add 1 hour to your life by worry. Your heavenly Father knows your every need. (read psalm 139:1-16) Trust him! (Matt.25:26) No matter the storm, when your with God, a rainbow is waiting...
3. "House cleaning" our hearts of sin is a journey, not a destination, that won't end until we are in heaven. So take it prayerfully day by day. God doesn't expect you to get it perfect today!! (I think that nasty depression is causing this overwhelming feeling). When I feel overwelmed by lack of progress in this area, I remember a little rhymn I once heard - "inch by inch, life's a cinch; yard by yard life is hard", so take it slow.
And finally, we all need to think about what God has blessed us with, and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally. I will be keeping you both in my prayers. I hope you have a blessed day.
In His grip,
Sherry
p.s. Have you seen the video at http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/viewmovie.html ? If not, watch it, very up lifting.
Bethany--just to let you know that I love you no matter what you look like or feel like. And God does too--Nahum 1:7 Isaiah 43:1-5. The Isaiah passage was opened to me at a time when I was also feeling very dark. I clung to that and Him and eventually I was able to feel the Light as well as believe it. I will keep praying for you, Joe, Ruthie and your mom.
Love Louise
Hi Bethany,
I have just recently started reading your blog and praying for you. I agree with Stacey who said for someone so young, you have been through so much. And you are wise beyond your years.
I am not surprised that you are going through this down time, your whole body has been through so much, not to mention your emotions and mind and your family. Please don't be hard on yourself. There are times to just rest in God's arms and allow others to carry you in prayer. And for you I think this is that time.
A verse of scripture or 2 of them came to my mind for you. One is from Job 8:21 "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."
This is the other one:
Psalm 27:13
New International Version (NIV)
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Amplified Bible (AMP)
[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORDIn the land of the living.
Today's New International Version (TNIV)
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
I went online to Bible Gateway to find you some different translations. These verses are ones I have held onto in some very hard times. I pray they will encourage you. You will continue to be in my prayers.
Bethany, I love you so dearly. I am praying for you and Joe. I have faith that God is working through both of you in ways that are hard to understand. It has been my experience that the most uncomfortable times in our life inspire the greatest growth. This is something that I BELIEVE is laying the foundation for you to do God's work, and for your marriage to come out the other side of these past few years as solid as a rock. I wish my arms were long enough to reach you all the way from Quebec.
Bethany,
Depression lurks around for me and I have learned a lot through the journey it has taken me on. Did you know that the general anesthesia you have for surgery is a contributing factor to the depression you may be feeling now...I don't know if that helps you feel any better, I know it encouraged me after I had surgery to know that this was a side affect of the anesthesia and I was not (necessarily) losing it. Keep trusting in Him. He is worthy. He is faithful and HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. Praying for you. Meg
Dear Bethany, when I first stumbled onto your blog, I saw a beautiful, inspiring young woman. Our beauty does not come from how we look on the outside, but from how the Lord is working on our inside! Depression is a part of being so sick and you with God's help will climb out of that hole. I suffer with depression and I know what it feels like to want to stay in bed with the covers over your head. As for Joe, this is most likely so hard for him as a man who probably feels he should be able to protect you. Men have trouble expressing their true feelings and so anger takes over. I am praying for you both and for your marriage! And your precious little girl. In His Name, Nancy
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